The Apprentice - or should that be The A-Bentice!

“First prize, you get to work for me. Second prize, don’t exist!”

I think if I were in that boardroom facing Sir Alan Sugar, I’d crumble like a stale digestive biscuit and run sobbing for my Mum out the door. Having said that, it’s tremendously good entertainment watching this year’s collection of candidates sweating away, trying not to crack under the pressure as they face the towering wrath of the boss. As the narrator reminds us at the start of every episode, these are “Britain’s brightest business prospects” – well, you could have fooled me! Watching them bumble and bicker, and witnessing their sheer ineptitude (in most cases) is absolutely hilarious, and the range of tasks they are set prove to be versatile and interesting. It could be said that the tasks they are set don’t really represent appropriate scenarios common in a business environment, but it hardly seems to matter because the whole process makes for such a wonderful ride. The candidates all have ego’s the size of the solar system (you’d think they’d all cancel each other out) and watching them brought down a peg or two by “Britain’s most belligerent boss” is a joy to behold.

I’ve never watched the show before (which I regret massively), having previously written it off as your standard trashy reality TV fare. But, after realising I was pretty much the only person I knew who didn’t watch it, I decided to give it a go. And now I’m hooked. Addicted. It’s easily the best thing on mainstream television in the past year. As soon as that wonderful piece of classical music from Romeo and Juliet starts up at the beginning, I get excited. I’ve started watching earlier series episodes on YouTube (Series 3 currently, which is fantastic) and I bought the Best of Series 1-4 compilation DVD. What’s happening to me? There’s no escaping the fact that the show is very much reality television, but for me, it’s reality TV with a notable difference. For one thing, it’s packaged in a much classier fashion. Sir Alan Sugar adds credibility, as (on the whole) do the bunch of contestants, who aren’t your typical brainless desperate losers who normally appear on this type of thing. Am I allowed to say that? Compared to the atrocious Britain’s Got Talent, currently airing on Saturdays (which is the televisual equivalent of a day trip to a sewage system), The Apprentice is gold standard television. Britain’s Got Talent, with its cringe-worthy so-called life-changing sob stories, smug judging panel and the never-ending bells and whistles makes me feel physically sick. The fact that it occupies so much press coverage and media fawning is simply beyond my power of comprehension.

Anyway, as I write this, we’re six weeks into Series Five, the halfway mark. So far we’ve had car-washing, catering, home fitness equipment, bodycare products, a cereal advertising campaign and bric-a-brac street selling. Six candidates have been fired (the catchphrase of the series), and I’ve agreed with all of them, bar one – which was Kimberley in Week Five. Highlights from the series for me have included Ben as Captain Squawk, the awful (and rather frightening) Pants Man, the Wake Up Call commercial jingle, lugging a skeleton around the streets of London and mixing up £5 with £700 when buying fragrances. And of course, the boardroom showdowns are always a highlight.

Anyway, for a bit of fun, I thought I’d rank the remaining contestants from best to worst;

1. Ben – I think I’m in the minority on this one, but I love him. He speaks his mind, he’s got a lovely Belfast accent and he’s very good-looking. In fact, as it happens, several people have noted that, facially, he looks very similar to me. And we share the same name, so I feel a certain bond with him. A connection, if you will. He fights his corner when he has to, and is easily the most capable of the remaining boys. It will be a travesty if he doesn’t win, quite frankly. I’ve watched a load of reality TV shows in the past, but I’ve never actually given a toss who actually wins, but with this, I do care. I think he was unfairly targeted in Weeks Three and Four.

In this week’s episode, I felt sorry for him. He got the short straw, and was made Project Manager of a horrible task, that was, in many ways, pot luck. He may be full of himself, but he has every right to be. I thought Noorul was pathetic in the boardroom when he accused Ben of being part of the show for the wrong reasons and that he was only on the programme to chase fame, and wanted to pose nude for magazines with just a rugby ball covering his modesty. For starters, what’s wrong with that? I hope he does! I really hope he does. Ahem, where was I? On the downside, Ben’s been in the boardroom 3/6 times (so 50%), but I’m cheered by the fact that he’s been saved by Sir Alan on each occasion, which must mean the boss sees something in him? Put it this way, if Ben does get fired, I’ll happily hire him as my Apprentice...

2) Kate – I think everybody, except Lorraine has had a shot at being Project Manager now, and Kate’s performance (in Week Five) was easily the most professional. She kept her team in excellent spirits and everyone worked brilliantly under her leadership. There were no arguments (which is such a rarity!), and the team produced a good strong product. She seems nice and down-to-earth, and is surely a contender to win the competition. She is, I think, the only candidate not to have been in the firing line this series.

3) Howard – So okay, granted, he’s not done much, but he seems genuinely sweet and lovely. Plus, he’s gay. I think he’s a bit of a dark horse and might come in to his own now we’ve down in numbers. Hope he does anyway. Don’t think we’ve seen the best of him yet.

4) James – Sir Alan referred to him as “the village idiot” in last week’s episode. Poor James! But there is some truth in that. He seems bemused and confused a lot of the time, and quite often what comes out of his mouth doesn’t make sense. He does however seem very enthusiastic and seems to be enjoying himself thoroughly. He’s grown on me, anyway. When he project managed in Week Three (the home fitness task), I thought he was useless and lackadaisical, but as the week’s have gone on, I’ve started to find him quite endearing, even if he doesn’t really bring much, creatively, to proceedings.

5) Yasmina – the jury’s still out on this one, to be honest. There’s no denying she acts in a professional manner, and seems level-headed and determined, but she’s hardly likeable, is she? She comes across as ruthless, callous and cold-hearted... therefore embodying all the qualities of a winner. She has an annoying habit of saying “Okay?” at the end of every sentence, which irks me. I wouldn’t like to her win, but she’s yet to put a foot wrong really, aside from the pricing cock-up in Week Four.

6) Lorraine – Or should that be Cassandra? Again, I’m undecided here. It’ll be interesting to see how she develops over the next few tasks – that is, if she survives. She comes across – or at least she has done in the last few editions as being melancholic, curmudgeonly and whinny. She has a tendency to suck all the enthusiasm out of her team mates, and never seems to have a positive word to say about anyone or anything. That said, I do often find myself agreeing with what she says, and someone has to stand up to Philip. I liked Kimberley’s description of her – “A bit like working with Eeyore!”

7) Debra – Oh dear! She’s a trouble-causer I knew she was right from Week One. Doesn't think before she opens her mouth. Fiery as a dragon, and very strong-minded. I wouldn’t like to be on the receiving end of her. Her rude tirade towards Nick (Sir Alan’s aide) on Wednesday’s episode was uncalled for, and showed her to be unprofessional, mouthy and disrespectful. I don’t think she’ll last long. At least, I don’t want her to.

8) Mona – One of those contestants that doesn’t really seem to do much, and just seems to fade into the background. Comes across as quite unlikeable and never really seems to bring anything to proceedings or offers anything useful. The reason I’m placing her so low down on my list is because of her woeful, cringe-worthy sales pitch to the Advertising Execs in Week Five. “The slogan we’ve come up with is ‘Put your pants on – the right way’, not like a superhero, ‘cos he’s the only one whose allowed to get away with it. So, when you eat our cereal, you won’t dress up like Pants Man. ‘Cos you’re not Pants Man. Only Pants Man gets away with his pants over his... clothes.” I mean, sorry... what? And then she proceeds to tell the ad execs what’s in the cereal. Okkaaayyy.

9) Philip – Bottom of the pile. Loud, arrogant and odious, I want rid of him. He’s like Ben, without the lovability. I could rant on for ages about how he rubs me up the wrong way, but I found this quote from the fantastic Charlie Brooker, who I’m sure puts it better than I ever could;

“No. The real enemy is clearly Philip, the 29-year-old former estate agent with the Durham accent. He was actually my favourite for a while. Not any more. He's flared up. He's gone horrible.

Philip seems to spend 98% of his screen time shouting his own opinions over anything anyone says. And if they're a woman, he'll shout twice as loud, for twice as long, like some previously-unseen character from Life On Mars, only less amusing because he's wearing a smart suit and some hair gel instead of a zany kipper tie. And boy does he love himself.

He looks like he throws himself roughly on to the bed each night, hungrily moving his hands all over his own body, trying to kiss himself deep in the mouth. If it were legal or even possible to do so, he'd probably marry himself, then conduct a long-term affair with himself behind himself's back, eventually fathering nine children with himself, all of whom would walk and talk like him. And then he'd lock those mini-hims in a secret underground dungeon to have his sick way with his selves, undetected, for decades.

If you asked Philip if he thought the world revolved around him, he'd blink and ask you what exactly a "world" was, then go back to staring in the mirror, drooling and smiling and pointing and saying "Philllllippp, Philllllipppp" over and over again like a mantra.”

Never truer words spoken! Anyway, I’ve just realised I’ve written 1500 words on what is essentially a reality TV show. Oh, the shame! The humiliation! What have I become. I think it’s a worrying sign of obsession when you jump up and scream “YESSS!!!” at the TV, like I did when Ben survived the boardroom this week. And I’ve always moaned about people who stand up and scream when their football team scores a goal! I’m such a hypocrite. But, for now, I’m borderline obsessed with this show. Do I need to get a life?